FORGOTTEN

I can't help but freak out the last week of the year. This happens EVERY year and the fear that my life is flying bye increases each new year. I don't want to get old and die but I know that it is coming - whether I like it or not. 

It started in 1990, for some reason, and the moment the calendar flipped from 1989 to 1990 I woke up and said, "WOW - it's already 1990." My fascination that the years changed didn't end there and quickly I was stating, "Wow it's 1994," "Wow! How did it get to be 1997 already?" "Where did 1999 go?" "Oh my god - it's 2000 the world is coming to an end!" "Here we go again, it's 2005. Half the decade is over." "How can I be 38 and how can it be 2010?" I have been doing this for 2 decades and I really don't understand why.

It's not like I believe the world is flat or that I use stones to do math. I know that the new year is coming but I just have a hard time with getting older and having my life past by me when I really feel like I haven't accomplished anything. Sure, I can pay my bills, hold down a job, and afford a cell phone, but that doesn't matter. 

It makes me think about what I really want out of my life. Do I want to spend the rest of my life thinking about what I can do or should I focus on what I have actually done? Have I even done anything that is important enough to speak of? If someone sat me down and asked me what I have accomplished in my life I would probably stare blankly and go to that happy place I go when I don't have the most intellectual answer.

I want to do something where I will always be remembered. I want to go down in history. I recently visited my grandparents and my mother's cemetery plot, all three of them are buried together, and I became very sad thinking about them. I will have no children so I am the last living human who will probably remember them. Sure I have a few younger cousins who may remember my grandparents but after that - they will be forgotten. 

Maybe that is my problem, not growing old and dying but that I will be forgotten. Nobody wants to be forgotten. I can't even handle when someone forgets to wish me a Happy Birthday. I will never have children to remember their dad and pass my history and stories along to their own children. My ashes will be dust spread across the Earth becoming part of the landscape.

I am a firm believer in living your life to the fullest. Work hard, play hard, and sleep when you die. That should be my motto. I can talk the talk but can I actually walk the walk? Can I be the person who doesn't let the restrictions of a 24 hour day hold him back? Why can't I do everything that I want do? I may have 24 hours a day but why can't I fill those hours with as much excitement, thrill, and life that I possibly can. We all get 24 hours but I want to make my 24 hours feel like 30 hours a day. I want to work, play, write, travel, live, and enjoy every single moment that I have. Every second that passes is lost to history.

We can never reclaim it back so let's live it like we should.