Exercise is hard. It makes sense that so many Americans are fat and lazy. It's much easier to sit on the sofa overindulging in candies and cakes than getting up and running for 30 minutes.
Yesterday I went out and purchased a new pair of Nike running sneakers for boys with flat feet. My feet are about as flat as my ass and if you know me, you know that’s pretty fucking flat. I never thought about buying the correct sneakers until I started running and I could immediately feel that my feet were not happy. In fact, they were mad at me along with the rest of my body. I bought the Nike app for my iPhone so I could track my miles, routes, and calories burned during my runs.
This morning the scale informed me that I’d lost 1.4lbs since last Wednesday. This instant gratification tells me my new lifestyle is working. The plan I am currently on has me set up to lose 2lbs a week so it looks like I am on the right track. I was determined to try and burn more calories today so I decided I would lift weights and run. Normally I alternate days when doing cardio and weight lifting but today I convinced myself that if I did both I would have the chance to try my new Nike app and put my new Nike sneakers to use. It would be a win-win for me and my new sneakers.
After three days of struggling to lift my head off the floor to get one ab crunch done I went to Target to buy an exercise ball. This invention is amazing. Today I completed all my ab crunches on the exercise ball. Before the exercise ball I could barely do half an ab crunch but today I completed a set of 10 followed by another set of 15. Laying flat on the floor and doing any type of sit up/ab crunch will be the death of me. When I used the exercise ball I actually felt the ab crunches better because I was able to do them correctly. I could feel the burn.
Even though I felt the burn I can honestly say that I do NOT like feeling the burn. If I wanted to feel the burn I would take a vacation to Mercury. I have listened to people my entire life yelling and screaming about this burn. “You gotta feel the burn?” What the fuck is this, “feeling the burn?” Well I finally know and I think people that like this burn are just sadomasochist and should be on medication for this torture. People that lived during the Spanish Inquisition didn’t experience this kind of pain. I want nothing to do with this but I know that if I don’t feel this goddamn burn I might as well just start shopping for a Craftmatic mattress. Bring on the burn so I can get out of bed – that’s my new motto.
With my new Nike sneakers on and my iPhone in hand I set out for my 30 minute jogging/walking routine. I really should have called it a "heart attack waiting to happen" routine because today I really thought I was going down. At one point during this run, or torture as I like to now refer to it, I looked up into the cloudless sky and screamed, "Flo Jo - I'm coming home."
Before I left the house I decided I would be cocky today and instead of walking my five minute warm up I would jog for the first two minutes and then walk the remaining three minutes before I started jogging. That went well but then after my first set of walking/jogging things started going terribly wrong.
I don't know if I was pushing myself harder than before, or that I lifted weights first, but I could barely get through 90 seconds of jogging without feeling like I was going to pass out. Once the voice came over the app informing me to, "Start walking," I would be so out of breath it was hard to walk a straight line. I tried pushing myself to walk hard and fast but it took everything for me to keep my heart from busting out of my chest and saying, "Bitch - are you trying to kill us?"
I had both the Nike app and the Couch to 5K app talking to me during my run. I started becoming delusional and misinterpreting the friendly encouragement messages with aggressive orders and sarcastic comments.
The app would say, “You are halfway through,” but what I would hear is, “You are going to drop dead and nobody will find you.”
The friendly male voice said, “Start running,” but what I heard was, “Everyone hates you and you are fat.”
Who created this app – the people who produce the Biggest Loser?
I tried not to get distracted when it was time to run again so I focused on putting my new Nike sneakers to work. I was able to run 2.3 miles in 30 minutes and burn a total of 351 calories. I was proud of myself but I may have to find a new place to run soon.
My neighborhood will not appreciate the screaming and howling coming out of the lowest parts of my soul whenever I stop running and start walking. It’s really not my fault but because I am in the beginning stages of training and building my endurance every time I stop running and start walking it’s like the worst pain I have ever felt. I have to stop, bend over, and scream like there is a line of extra hung porn stars standing behind me. The yelling and screaming actually makes me feel better because I’m releasing all the pain and I really do believe my body hates me. It’s like every cell and every organ in my body is screaming for me to lay on the sofa, drink high caloric beverages, and stuff my face with carrot cake.
Fuck you body. This is only the beginning. I am going to work you out like a bottom at TBRU!
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