My life hasn’t been easy. The cards that were dealt to me as a child would have emptied out a millionaire’s bank account in Vegas. The hurdles that I have overcome are astounding and I still look in the mirror on a daily basis and say to myself, “WOW Joseph – you turned out alright for what you have been through.” I have always thought that life was measured in status and class and the more someone has guarantees them a spot at the top of the food chain, I don't believe that anymore.
After watching the movie Eat Pray Love I quickly downloaded the book and started reading it. I was instantly smitten with Liz Gilbert and how she ended her unhappy marriage, left her family and friends, and went on a journey to find herself. It awoke something deep inside me and I started questioning the real reason that I am on this Earth. I have never been one to question things. I am the guy who shrugs his shoulders, wipes the dirt from his brow, and moves on to the next thing. If I lose my job, it’s meant to be; if the guy I am dating breaks my heart; well I didn’t deserve him in the first place. Shit like that. Some really depressing shit.
I was utterly enthralled in this book. It took on a force of its own in my life and I could barely put it down. I drank in this book like I’d been left out in the desert for weeks to die and was finally rescued by the words on the pages. I wanted to follow Liz through her depression, anguish, and witness her rebirth as she found herself. I wanted her to teach me everything that she learned from her travels abroad and help me find my own balance. I was looking for someone, who I didn’t know, to guide me into being the person that I believe I should be.
I have always been an extrovert and if you know me that comes to no surprise. I spend much of my time being as funny as I can and making people laugh. I like to process externally and I don’t spend much time being quiet. Who has time to be quiet? When someone is quiet then they can’t be heard and I don’t have time for that. That personal characteristic has started to change and I have started witnessing my personal publication company ready to release my new updated revision. I can’t say that I always expected this to happen but I do have to admit I have always been one to think that there is more to life than the materialistic items we collect during our lives. We can spend our lives stockpiling cars, houses, and other objects but when it’s all over – does that matter? Do we learn anything from having countless artifacts stored in our life or are we here for something more important?
This edited version of myself, you can call it Joe 2.0, has swung my pendulum 180 degrees and I’ve been more introspective, whether I realized it or not, and started digging deep inside for answers to questions that I have always had. Why I respond to life the way that I do? Why do I stress out so easily? Why do I manifest stress the way I do? Is there a reason I don’t differentiate the stressors that I face on daily basis? I can’t seem to overcome and distinguish the pressures of life that should and shouldn’t cause me to have stomach aches, headaches, and anger outburst that I sometimes can’t control.
I have no answers for these questions but I am hopeful they will come in time. Whether I will be lucky enough to have these answers before I die is another question that I have no answer for. I can only hope I continue to learn my purpose. When I was 20 years old my grandfather would sit me down and tell me, “Joe, you are going to die before you are 40. You stress way too much for your age. Learn to relax.”
As much as I loved my grandfather I never paid him much attention. When I was 20 years old the last thing on my mind was what my life would be at 40 but now that I am knocking on 40’s back door things are different.
I’m starting down a path that I never thought I would go. Meditation. I have to be very careful so that I don’t get involved in any specific religious practices. I firmly believe that religion is dangerous and something that I want to avoid like the black plague. I am not interested in meditating to get closer to God, which is what Liz did on her journey to India, but so that I can master my inner being. There is something said about being able to close out the world and spend quality time with your true self. That is an adventure that I am fully prepared to take and one that I am excited to begin.
My time clock is ticking louder than a 50 year old’s ovaries and I want to experience everything before my time runs out. What do I mean by everything? EVERYTHING.
I want to travel the world and I don’t have much time. If I do the math correctly, and if I am lucky, I probably have a good 40 additional years on this Earth until I am dust. With that said, out of those 40 years there are probably only 25 of them that are viably usable. I mean when I'm 70 I will be too worried about chewing my food and shitting myself to try and climb to the top of Machu Picchu.
I feel an urgency that Matt can’t comprehend. We talk about my impulse to travel as if the Grim Reaper is standing outside the window waving his scythe at me. Matt tells me that age is only a number and that I have plenty of time to see my desires and dreams through to completion. I guess it’s easy for him to think that when he hasn’t reached his 30th birthday. I’ve been speeding through my 30’s as if I was behind the wheel of a Ferrari and he hasn’t even wrapped up his 20’s.
The truth is that I fear I’ll regret my life when I am on my deathbed. I’m frightened that when I am at the end of my journey I will look back to my time on this Earth and be remorseful about how I spent it. Will I have played out my character to the fullest potential on this stage of life? When I am withering away and saying my last goodbyes will I be satisfied with my accomplishments? Will I wish that I had done more?
These are the terrors that haunt my dreams and follow me around on a daily basis. I struggle to be nothing like my mother. She did squat with her life except bring me into it and that was even a decision she questioned at times. When she died she regretted basically every decision she made and I knew, at that moment, I would have to make every attempt to break the cycle of her sad painful life.
This new Joe 2.0 life expedition will be one of constant growth, education, travel, and love. These are the important aspects of my life that I will be happiest about when I look back and survey my time on this rocky planet.
Our time is borrowed and it’s up to us to use that time as wisely as we can. I’m running out of time each day that passes and I expect the rest of my life to take off like a rocket and leave that little Ferrari in the dust.
How much time do we really have? I am not going to waste another minute wondering!
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