THE JOE SHOW: MOVING PAST THE PAIN

The moment I opened my eyes I remembered exactly what date it was and the impact it had on my life only eight short years ago.

I received the phone call on May 1, 2003 from the nurse telling me that my mother, Irene, had died and passed away peacefully with the hospice nurse at her bedside. Eight years? Eight months maybe but EIGHT YEARS? How is this possible? When I think about the time that has passed and that I haven't spoken to Irene, heard her voice, or smelled her scent I can't deny that it leaves an empty spot in my heart.

I can't reject that my relationship with Irene was a rocky one. It had been like that since I was old enough to talk back but no matter how many personal issues I've had with this women I have to be grateful that she brought me into this world. Even if I struggle with the relationship that I had with her, I owe her thanks for not aborting me and preventing me from having the chance to have an amazing life.

Yes I call my mother by her first name. I have done this since I was a teenager. I called her mom to her face but whenever I would speak about her to someone else I would always refer to her by her first name. Why would I do this? Most people would think I was being disrespectful but it is how my relationship with Irene transitioned over the years.

Irene will always be the woman who brought me into this world, tucked me in as a child, and rubbed my back whenever I was straddled around the toilet throwing up with a stomach flu in elementary school.

These are the reasons I love Irene and that I was thankful she was my mom.

But things aren't always as they seem and for whatever reasons she was always drunk and stumbling around the house, smoking weed and playing music loud when I was trying to sleep, and turning her head while Melvin raped and molested me - well these are the reasons that I hate Irene. I can't help those feelings. Those memories will never be forgotten.

Being a mom is something you earn and definitely not something that you are entitled to just because you give birth to a child. Anybody can have sex, get pregnant, and give birth to a healthy baby - that doesn't qualify you as a mother. Would you call a women who gives birth to a child but then quickly puts their child in a dumpster a mom? Would you expect their child to call them mom? What about a women who grabs their child so hard by the arm that they snap it into two pieces? Is this a mom or someone that just gave birth to you?

Irene stopped being my mom when she put her insecurities and co-dependant behavior before me and made the decision to stay with the monster that beat her, beat me, and took my childhood away and kept it for himself. How could I call her mom when in my heart she wasn't. A mom is someone that protects their child from the shark infested water, not someone who throws their child into the water like chum because they are afraid to get bitten.

I became my own parent when I was 14 years old. I worked a part time job, saved money to run away to Florida, and had to buy my own food when Melvin stopped buying food for the house. I was on my own. I lived on Ramen noodles and stayed out of the house as much as possible. Irene couldn't focus on her child's safety because she had her own demons to deal with and couldn't pull herself away from the evil titan who declared war on the entire house.

She is dead and I can never confront her for these reasons but that doesn't stop me from being able to put all that pass me and move forward with the rest of my life. We tend to believe that we can't forgive, forget, or move on with our lives unless the person who has wronged us is right in front of us - absorbing our words and feelings while we wait for an, "I'm sorry," or "I will never do that again."

Unfortunately, we are not guaranteed that type of closure from poisonous relationships. Often we don't even come close to that. Most of the time we have to move forward without ever having that intense conversation looking for the apology that we feel we deserve.

Does that apology really matter?

Is it more important to receive that expression of regret from an individual or is it more beneficial for our own well being to push on and be proud of ourselves because we are strong enough to forgive the person whether they are in our life or not. I never thought that was possible but it is. In some cases, it is the only option we have.

Don't get me wrong, I am the person that wants to get right up in someone's face and let them know exactly how I feel. You hurt me, I am going to hurt you. That hasn't really worked for me all these years. Sure I think I feel great for a few hours but then I regret bringing myself down to a level that I know that I don't want to play at. I am better than that and it's something that I have learned after many lost friendships and relationship.

I have forgiven Irene for her mistakes and I've had to do that on my own. She wasn't here to listen to me, explain herself, or even fight back. These were conversations and tears that I had with myself. We can spend years, or our entire lives, asking question after question but never receiving the answer that settles us or makes sense of a situation.

It happens to everyone. Have you ever dated someone who you thought would never break your heart? Of course you have; we all have. Your dreamy relationship is going smoothly and you're on cloud nine telling yourself that nothing can go wrong. One night you and the love of your life are out having a quiet dinner and they pass you the bread bowl blindsiding you by saying, "I am sorry but I just don't love you anymore."

Your head spins for minutes, hours, and days. You spend weeks and months chasing this person asking a simple question, "Why?"

It doesn't seem like a hard question but one where we pursue the answer relentlessly. If we are lucky enough to get an answer it's never one that satisfies our hunger for the truth. Our hearts are broken and no matter how many questions we have or how shocked we are that someone could hurt us like this we rarely get the answers we want. We can only move forward when WE are ready and WE have worked through it in our own mind. Truthfully, we don't even need that person who hurt us because they are not the ones who will heal us. We are.

The individual in the relationship can change but the outcome and situation are the same. Whether you are hurt by a dysfunctional parent, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or a best friend you have had since childhood; you can't depend on the other person to help you heal from the hurt. I've learned that coming to terms with these damaged and unresolved relationships can be done just as effective if you do them alone in your room or while running down the street sweating it all out.

We have to take ownership of what happens to us and come to the healthiest conclusions that will get us through the next chapters of our lives.